New Year's Eve ...
Best news bloopers of 2013
Sunday Morning Services for Slackers™
Car wouldn't start this morning? Missed mass again? Wind chill of minus 41, right?
Never mind. That's why we're here. Crank up the volume and go make yourself a sandwich.
It's the weekend, kiddies. Welcome!
The Elf's Lament
In Xmas message, Prime Minister urges Canadians to think of "our brave men and women in uniform" because "we sure as hell won't." #cdnpoli— Coco Cabrera (@coco_urnews) December 26, 2013
The Night Before Christmas
Nine reasons why this ASL version is GREAT!
Merry Christmas from the Family
h/t Lord Vanscoy!
Merry Christmas from Chuck
A Christmas Wish ...
Sunday Morning Services for Slackers™
Minus 33 with a windchill of minus 40, but still feeling a little guilt for missing church this morning?
No fear. Sunday Morning Services for Slackers™ has your back. Just touch your monitor for point of contact.
via we know memes.
Saturday Night Blues
Clapton and Knopfler. "Same Old Blues".
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2013 17:53:38 -0500
Subject: Merry Christmas from MP Randy Hoback
December 20, 2013
Here is my 2013 Christmas Message:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Randy Hoback, MP
Thank you for your kind wishes to the Christians in your constituency.
You must be aware that this message is going to ring a little hollow to all the folks out there who are not Christians, or who live in the Great Bear Rainforest, or who are posties, or veterans.
Regards, and Merry Christmas. Keep up your good work as a spear carrier.
ETA THIS: We both know that your constituency is largely comprised of folks who ARE Christians, and who do NOT live in the Great Bear Rainforest, and who do NOT work for Canada Post or the CBC, or the Canadian Armed Forces.
The ONLY duty of a candidate for office is to get elected. After that, his only duty is to get RE-elected.
For god's sake, don't do what is right. Instead, appeal to the stupid (a.k.a. "Your Base").
Do that, and you can't lose - even if you are caught in a hotel room with a dead girl or a live boy.
Of course, you already know that. Hence your Christmas message.
P.S. As my Uncle Mike used to say, "You can't piss on my back and tell me it's raining."
There are still good people in this world ...
... in Russia, at least ...
Hardy folks live in Saskatchewan. The Northern Pikes are from Saskatoon. They know how to be cool and stay warm at the same time.
Welcome to the weekend, kiddies.
via This Isn't Happiness™ Peteski
No need for worry
Jim Flaherty: seniors needn't worry about mail delivery; we're eliminating pensions and benefits anyway. #cdnpoli— Coco Cabrera (@coco_urnews) December 19, 2013
via GOODSTUFFs CYBER WORLD
It's the old Duff
It's the best three seconds on the Internet.
All you need to know is: Green Party deputy leader candidate Kevin O'Donnell scraped the Conservative website and came up with this brilliantly entertaining app of the Old Duff greeting common, and some uncommon, names.
As first reported by the Ottawa Citizen's Glen McGregor, video of Mike Duffy is still fundraising on the Conservative party website, despite being kicked out of caucus and suspended from the Senate.
Watch, and enjoy.
(Hint: click on your name on the right of the screen!)
Crane operator saved from fire.
The hot dog
"The hot dog is the mangina of fast food - and I mean that most sincerely. You've only to consider its doughy and plump labia majora, the pubic shock of its fried onions and, yes, of course, the frankphallus itself. A large part of this comestible's appeal must reside in precisely this: its hermaphroditic union of human genitalia, which exists in lubricious synergy with snackers' mouths and hands, so enabling them to co-ordinate cunnilingus with fellatio while on the go."
Courtesy of Mearnsey
X-ray November Bravo 660
Canada Post is not on life support. It is being murdered.
Canada Post and the Minister responsible, Lisa Raitt, both say the reason for cutting service is to avoid Canada Post becoming a burden on the taxpayer because of "continued losses."* But financial statements show, over the last 17 years, Canada Post has added money to the public purse in every year except one. That was 2011. That year balance sheets bled red ink due to a rolling strike followed by a lockout; costs related to a Supreme Court ruling on pay equity; and a recalculation of pension liabilities.
More cost, less service. It's what a company does just before it loses market share to competitors. Privatization, here we come.
* "That's not a lie; it's a terminological inexactitude. Also, a tactical misrepresentation."
- General Alexander Haig
It's done ...
via This Isn't Happiness™ Peteski
Sunday Morning Services for Slackers™
Lemme guess. Your lane blew in. No sign of the RM grader, and you couldn't get to church this morning, right?
Not a problem. Crank up the volume and let Sister Carolyn deliver the news.
The church is near, but the road is icy.
The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully.
- Ukranian proverb
Welcome To The Weekend, Kiddies
Rock and ROLL!!!
With no end in sight and casualties mounting, War on Christmas threatens to become a bloody stalemate.— Coco Cabrera (@coco_urnews) December 13, 2013
Against My Better Judgement
I know I will regret this. But I can't resist. Here it is.
With a language warning.
Out For A Rip.
Unscheduled Musical Interlude
ETA this: pogge's response to my link to the above video:
Thank God for Voter Short-Term Memory
Headline: Harper Voices Concern Over Ukraine Unrest.
Apparently, he has forgotten this:
Toronto Summit Protests.
Or, more likely, he is relying on the notoriously poor memory - and the stupidity - of the Canadian electorate.
Seems like a good bet, actually, given his record and his continuing hold on power.
"Let us be practical in our expectations of the Criminal Law ... [For] we have merely to imagine, by some trick of time travel, meeting our earliest hominid ancestor, Adam, a proto-man, short of stature, luxuriantly furred, newly bipedal, foraging about on the African savannah three million or so years ago. Now, let us agree that we may pronounce whatever laws we like for this clever little creature, still it would be unwise to pet him."
- Reynard Thompson, A General Theory of Human Violence (1921)
14 more reasons to abolish the senate
h/t Press Progress
Stephen Harper's Senate Losers Club
If you've been following the news coming out of the Senate, you might think it was a joke that an unelected senator would call a parliamentarian who actually won an election illegitimate.
How about if the senator doing the name-calling actually tried to get elected to the House of Commons, but lost... badly?
He shouldn't be giving any lessons on electoral legitimacy, right?
And yet, Jean-Guy Dagenais - a failed Conservative candidate in the 2011 election, appointed to the Senate after his electoral defeat by Stephen Harper - did exactly that.
In a sexist and condescending letter circulated to all MPs and the media, Dagenais, 63 (who can sit as a Senator until he turns 75 in 2025) attacked NDP MP Charmaine Borg, 23, who he said, among other things, was "useless and powerless," "knows nothing" about constitutional affairs, and is a "whiner" who should go to the library to learn about the Parliament to which she was elected.
While we wait for a decision from the Speaker of the House of Commons on whether the attack violated Borg's parliamentary privilege, let's review the membership of the Senate Losers Club: 14 Harper-appointed senators who ran for a seat in the House of Commons, lost in a federal election, but were later appointed as legislators to Canada's Upper Chamber as a 'check' on the elected House.
1. Jean-Guy "Mansplainer" Dagenais
Lost the riding of Saint-Hyacinthe Bagot in 2011 by almost 19,000 votes. Rewarded for losing with a Senate appointment in January 2012. Went on to redefine "irony" after belittling an accomplishment he didn't even come close to achieving.
2. Fabian "The Yo-Yo" Manning
Ran in 2008 and lost by 10% of the vote. Appointed to the Senate in January 2009, before resigning to run again in 2011. Lost for a second time, so Harper shuttled him right back to the Senate in May 2011, where he can stay until 2039.
3. Yonah "Mulligan!" Martin
Lost in the B.C. riding of New Westminster-Coquitlam in the 2008 federal election. Appointed to the Senate in January 2009; her term expires in the year 2040.
4. John "Second Chances" Wallace
Lost the riding of Saint John in 2006. Had to wait three years, but was eventually appointed to the Senate in 2009 and is guaranteed a paycheck until 2024.
5. Claude "Not Even Close" Carignan
Was the failed Conservative candidate for the Rivière-des-Mille-Îles riding in 2008, losing by over 13,000 votes. Appointed in August 2009, set to retire in 2039.
6. Don "Fourth Sounds A Bit Like First" Meredith
Was the Conservative candidate in the 2008 Toronto Centre by-election, where he came in fourth - behind the Greens - with 12.4% of the vote. Appointed December 2010, Meredith can sit as a Senator until 2039.
7. Salma "Votes Ain't Nothin' But A Number" Ataullahjan
Lost in the 2008 election for Mississauga-Brampton South, appointed to the Senate in July 2010, where she can stay until 2027.
8. Josée "Losing Is Just An Attitude" Verner
The former Conservative cabinet minister, who lost her seat in Louis - Saint-Laurent in May 2011, had to wait one whole month before landing her plum patronage spot, which she can keep until 2034.
9. Larry "I Fumbled That One" Smith
The former CFL player, who is no stranger to incomplete passes, was appointed as a senator in 2010, then resigned to run in 2011. After losing in the Lac-Saint-Louis riding, Smith was re-appointed to the Senate less than a month later, where he can stay until 2026.
10. Michael "Unique Snowflake" Fortier
Wanted to be different than his peers in Harper's Losers Club, so he was first appointed to the Senate to sit in Harper's cabinet after the 2006 election. Resigned in 2008 to run in the Quebec riding of Vaudreuil-Soulanges. Fortier lost by over 11,000 votes, proving there's no one-size-fits-all way to lose an election.
11. Michael "Dartmouth-Cold Shoulder" MacDonald
Lost in the riding of Dartmouth-Cole Harbour in 2004 by almost 9,000 votes. Had to wait until 2009 to receive his patronage appointment, which he gets to enjoy until 2030.
12, 13, 14. Leo Housakos, Michel Rivard and Thomas McInnis
The "What happens in the year 2000 stays in the year 2000" club: All three men ran as Canadian Alliance or Progressive Conservative candidates in the 2000 federal election.
They all lost... by a lot. They were all were eventually appointed to the Senate by Stephen Harper.
From the desk of Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Announcing the First National Throw Some Shit In A River Day!
It's good for you!
They live among us ...
An Open Offer to the Harpercon Regime and the Corpocracy
I hereby announce my willingness to renounce all of my values, my rights and freedoms, and the environment, in return for which I request only a one-time payout of $10,000,000.00 (ten million dollars).
I make this offer knowing that under the present regime, these things that I offer are pretty much gone in any case. When Mr. Harper said that we would not recognize Canada when he was done with it, he was right on the money.
But hey. I am sixty-nine years old. God willing, I am not going to live to see most the devastation anyway.
My grandchildren are in for it, no matter what. The 10 mill might give them an edge.
Again, God willing.
But please note. Should the Powers That Be decide NOT to accept my generous offer, I will be casting my lot in with THESE guys.
And, long-term, quite frankly, I like our chances.
Your move, Steve.
Settler Treaty Card
Click here for biggyness.
You really should read the fine print!
h/t to The Galloping Beaver and Briarpatch Magazine.
Harper and Chrétien trade stories about making cuts to the CBC.
How cold was it in Gronlid last night?
Ladies and Gentlemen ...
Once again, I give you ...
Sunday Morning Services for Slackers
Forgot to plug the car in last night? Won't start this morning? Too cold to walk to church?
No worries, mate. Sunday Morning Services for SlackersTM is here to save the day.
And, depending on just what it was that resulted in forgetting to plug in the car last night, maybe your soul.
Just sayin' ...
If only for a second ...
"The French charity the Mimi Foundation told 20 cancer patients they would give them makeovers. All that was required of them was to keep their eyes closed to make the reveal more exciting. The patients expected that when they opened their eyes, they would look beautiful - but they got something else completely."
Thanks, Trud. I cried, too.
One Man's Loss
It's Friday night, kiddies, and I'm jonesing for some Heathens.
Welcome to the weekend.
Mr. Flood's Party
Mr. Flood's Party
By Edwin Arlington Robinson
Old Eben Flood, climbing alone one night
Over the hill between the town below
And the forsaken upland hermitage
That held as much as he should ever know
On earth again of home, paused warily.
The road was his with not a native near;
And Eben, having leisure, said aloud,
For no man else in Tilbury Town to hear:
"Well, Mr. Flood, we have the harvest moon
Again, and we may not have many more;
The bird is on the wing, the poet says,
And you and I have said it here before.
Drink to the bird." He raised up to the light
The jug that he had gone so far to fill,
And answered huskily: "Well, Mr. Flood,
Since you propose it, I believe I will."
Alone, as if enduring to the end
A valiant armor of scarred hopes outworn,
He stood there in the middle of the road
Like Roland's ghost winding a silent horn.
Below him, in the town among the trees,
Where friends of other days had honored him,
A phantom salutation of the dead
Rang thinly till old Eben's eyes were dim.
Then, as a mother lays her sleeping child
Down tenderly, fearing it may awake,
He set the jug down slowly at his feet
With trembling care, knowing that most things break;
And only when assured that on firm earth
It stood, as the uncertain lives of men
Assuredly did not, he paced away,
And with his hand extended paused again:
"Well, Mr. Flood, we have not met like this
In a long time; and many a change has come
To both of us, I fear, since last it was
We had a drop together. Welcome home!"
Convivially returning with himself,
Again he raised the jug up to the light;
And with an acquiescent quaver said:
"Well, Mr. Flood, if you insist, I might.
"Only a very little, Mr. Flood -
For auld lang syne. No more, sir; that will do."
So, for the time, apparently it did,
And Eben evidently thought so too;
For soon amid the silver loneliness
Of night he lifted up his voice and sang,
Secure, with only two moons listening,
Until the whole harmonious landscape rang -
"For auld lang syne." The weary throat gave out,
The last word wavered; and the song being done,
He raised again the jug regretfully
And shook his head, and was again alone.
There was not much that was ahead of him,
And there was nothing in the town below -
Where strangers would have shut the many doors
That many friends had opened long ago.
Murray Dobbin has the best recap I have seen on l'affaire Wright-Duffy:
Will the last ethical conservative please stand?
Stay tuned. Now that the Ben Perrin emails, like Lazarus, have magically risen from the dead, there is surely more to come.
Ah, sweet schadenfreude!
(p.s. - Murray's question is, of course, rhetorical. They may once have existed, but for a long time now, like the moa, the dodo and the passenger pigeon, ethical conservatives are now quite extinct. "Ethical conservative" is now an oxymoron. Just like "Progressive Conservative". Also extinct.)
How many times do we have to tell you?
It is about money. It is about corporations.
Not ... waddaya call them ... people!
NOTE: They are still going to make me take off my boots before they let me board.
They just won't man one of the exits. God bless the neocons, and their priorities.
And god bless, too, the electorate.
They say we get the government we deserve.
It must be true, because we are governed by idiots. Therefore it must follow that we are indeed blessed.
After all, God looks after drunkards and idiots. If He sees the little sparrow fall, how could he miss The Harper Government (nee "Canada")?
So actually we are doubly blessed!
For the Conservatives among us, let me parse that.
Drunk and stupid.
Which is how we are perceived by the rest of the world. Which is to say, accurately.
No? Just me, then?
Okay. I will cop to at least fifty percent of that.
Sit down here beside me, take off your boots, and let's talk.
To CUPE and to the flight attendants: protests will have no effect. Petitions will have no effect. Demonstrations will have no effect.
Our last resort - our ONLY resort - is the courts.
It may take years, but it seems like this is the ONLY road that citizens have available to hold their elected representatives to account.
And we had best act soon. Our elected representatives - as we speak - are busily at work ripping the teeth out of our justice system.
Witness mandatory sentencing, for example.
Today in History: December 3, 1975
For unto us a child is born.
Happy Birthday, dearest Aimee. You are my favourite child. The mother of my grandchildren.
You are the star I steer by, and I love you more than I can say.
Is Your Pee The Right Colour?
Via Popular Science
A New Scent ...
Dog Photobomb of the Day
Question Of The Day
Why is it A bra, but a PAIR of panties?
You would think it should be the other way around, no?
Just me, then?
Somebody help me.
Sunday Evening Services for Slackers
Missed services this morning, didn't you? Feeling some remorse now, right?
Fear not, children. Sunday Evening Services for Slackers (a Holy [sic] owned subsidiary of Second Chance Ministries) has your back.
This particular service comes with a language warning, so old ladies and wee kiddies best look away.
But anyway, since the old ladies and wee kiddies DID make it to the kirk this morning, I needn't fear.
And neither, now, should you. Here's the Gospel according to Saint Luke, as delivered by Brother Tommy Tiernan.
Yes. Thanks anyway, but I already know I'm going to hell.